Ivf update

So I had my baseline ultrasound yesterday. I have 21 eggs!  Yeah!  I was so nervous that I would go and they would say I didn't have any and we would have to cancel this cycle. I told the doctor that, and she said not have any?! That's silly, of course you have eggs!  I know I know, but I was just expecting the worst. I start my two other shots tomorrow (follicle stimulating hormones) and hopefully a week from Monday I will do the egg retrieval. They hope out of the 21 eggs at least half will mature (10 ish) and half of those will fertilize (5) and half of those will be strong enough to transfer back to me (2-3). We will put one or two in depending on how healthy they are and then freeze any extra. I have had a strong feeling to put two in. I don't know how I would handle twins. It would be extremely overwhelming but very fun too. I am nervous about the 2% chance that each egg can split. That means I have a chance I could have quadruplets if I put two eggs in. Ahh!  God would sure have a funny sense of humor if that happened.  It's a lot to think about but hopefully we make the right decision. I would be so bummed if we only put one in and it didn't take. I would be kicking myself for not putting two.... On the other hand if I end up with 4 babies I might end up in a crazy hospital.  

Yesterday as I was at the doctors office I bent down to take my pants off and I had an electric shock go down my back and into my leg. I found out a few weeks ago I have 2 herniated discs. I know it probably doesn't sound like a good time to try to get pregnant.... Pray this pain goes away and it won't interfere with IVF.  I can't imagine having to cancel it and making these weeks of medicine and shots all worth nothing. 

IVF.....

Well... It's been over a year now since I found out I was pregnant... Had it all worked out I would have me a little 3.5 month old right now. It's weird.  I got a lot better with everything for awhile... Felt like I had moved past a lot of the immense sadness and pain, but this last little while has been extremely hard. I've started having anxiety attacks and panic attacks. I was in Utah a few weeks ago and it was the exact time I got pregnant last year so there were so many reminders that would set me off.... Still talking about it now is starting to throw me for a loop. Anyway my whole point of this post is to chronicle my IVF process. I started my shots 3 days ago. In 2 weeks I start giving myself 2 more shots a day, for a total of three shots everyday for two weeks.  I have to take antibiotics, baby aspirin, progesterone, folate, b12 and my prenatal every day. It's pretty overwhelming.  Around march 24 is when they will do the egg retrieval. They loop ya up pretty good for that and go in with a needle through your uterus and up to your ovaries to aspirate the eggs. The hope is for around 20 eggs. They will fertilize each egg individually so we have a better chance at having embryos to transfer.  After 5 days of the embryos splitting and dividing and getting stronger, they will implant them.... Then I have two weeks of hell hoping it worked but not knowing. When I start to think of the possibility that it might not work I get really anxious and make myself sick. I have to have faith it will work. And heaven forbid it doesn't, I will just have to have faith that The Lord has something else in store for us.  So maybe if you have room, keep me in your prayers because I could really use it. 

Just keep swimming

21 weeks ago I found out my little bean didn't have a heart beat anymore.  The hardest thing by far that I have ever gone through.  In those 21 weeks I have felt more pain than I could have ever imagined a miscarriage could cause.  My life is still consumed by it.  I think about how far along I should be, I see other pregnant people that are due around the same time I was and my heart feels like it is breaking a little bit more than it already was.  I wish so much I had another little spirit inside me that I was preparing for.  I don't.  And it hurts.  But, I know that even when I do get pregnant again, that it won't take away the pain of loosing little bean.  I have friends that are having babies around the time little bean should have been born, and I know that seeing those kids through the years will always remind me of what I lost.  Hopefully it can turn into a smile when I see them, and I can imagine my little bean watching over our family and waiting for us to all be reunited.  I miss her terribly... I would give anything to be able to be 31 weeks pregnant right now, awaiting our little arrival....
I have learned a lot in the last few months.  Probably the thing that has helped me the very most has been this:

 Tragedy or Destiny?

My sister sent me this link.... I am so thankful that she did.  It answered so many of my questions of why Heavenly Father let this happen to me.  After I read it the first time, I actually felt grateful that I have had this experience.  Every time I get sad or depressed I try to read it.  It just helps me put things in perspective.  This is why we are all here.  To go through hard things.  He can't take it all away or we wouldn't be able to learn and grow.  So why does fertile myrtle get all the kids she wants at the exact moment she wants them and I have tried for 15 months with 3 surgeries and a miscarriage and I still am not pregnant?  Because as much as fertile myrtle makes me want to pull my hair out and scream "do you have any idea how lucky you are?" she has her own trials that I am sure I would not want.  I knew what my life was going to entail, and all the trials that I could potentially face.  I wanted it.  I wanted it desperately so I could be able to return and live with my Heavenly Father and my family for eternity.  As much as this trial hurts, I guess it is a good one to have, because I literally have a little angel fighting for us on the other side waiting for us all to be together again....

I have been feeling very alone.  It would be so great to talk to someone, cry with someone that is in my shoes.  I know there are millions of people out there that are but none that I know, or if I do know someone that has experienced it, their situation is different. I have a friend who has had 8 losses and still no kids.  I feel awful talking to her because I do have a child.  I have the one thing she would give anything for.  I am so thankful for Pars!  However, it is like telling someone who lost there mother, don't be sad, you still have your dad.  I am so grateful for Pars, but I still am very sad about the loss and then throw in infertility on top of it and I'm a wreck.  It gets old trying to talk to people that haven't experienced it.  I probably look a little pathetic and people think I need to pull myself together.  I think if my pre miscarriage self talked to my post miscarriage self, I wouldn't really know what to say or how to relate, I would feel bad, but then i would just think it was time to move on.  Even talking to some people that have had a miscarriage but weren't as affected by it as I have been don't seem to help.  That actually makes it worse, like I am making too big of deal about it.  Gosh it would be nice to not be in this situation, but when I feel like I am going to burst, with no one to talk to, then I come here and write all my thoughts down.  For some reason, it helps knowing that it will be read... if only by 1 person, it helps me feel like I really was able to get it all out and talk to someone, even though I did all the talking.

Lots and lots and lots of people have it soooo much worse than me.  I am living in paradise, have an amazing husband, the most darling son in the universe, the gospel, and all my basic needs and more met.  I need to spend a little more time thanking God for all that he has blessed me with and a little less time on what he didn't let me keep.  I think these are my lessons in all of this..... Be happy, don't take for granted what you DO have, and patience.  Its hard work this thing called life.  

It is days like today I tell myself "just keep swimming, just keep swimming" Thanks Dorie,  I'll try my hardest.

The hardest lesson to learn...

I should be 6 month pregnant today.....
This blows.

I have had a hideous few days.  Nothing is worse than having a period when all you want is to be pregnant.  Makes matters much worse when it only lasts for a day.  Now I get to stress over what the hell is wrong with me now.  One day is not sufficient in creating a cozy little cocoon for a baby. 

I had to speak in sacrament yesterday and give the lesson in YW.  I was dreading it.  I was really hoping this past month was "the" month, but then Saturday showed up and slapped me in the face.  So, preparing for my lesson and talk, I had quite a bad attitude and was not looking forward one bit in proclaming how grateful I was for the gospel or God or anything else.  I wanted to crawl in a hole.  I feel pretty awful for being so upset about this when I have pars.  I feel like I shouldn't be sad or can't be sad because I have been blessed with so much.  Usually I am better at not stewing on the fact my child is dead.  I tell myself how lucky I am that I have pars and that things could be so much worse and think about all the wonderful blessings in my life.  Well the last few days I have sucked at doing that and am just mad.  I still feel all those things but it does not make this situation I am in any easier.  At least not today or yesterday, or Saturday. 

Back to my lesson and talk.  As I was preparing for my talk on ordinances and covenants I was drawn to GC talks about the plan of salvation and eternal families.  I find myself wanting to tell everyone about little bean.  Not because I want them to feel sorry for me, but I want everyone to know I HAVE another baby.  Pars is a big brother.  If I would have gone to term I would have pictures up all over facebook and my blog and would be telling everyone how much I love my new little addition.  Well, I still feel that way.  I have a baby everyone.  A dang cute one I am sure, and she was so special she got to go straight to heaven!  Who would have thought I could have produced something so righteous that she got to bypass life?!  Anyway, back to my preparations for church..... I feel like I ended up with a good talk and a good lesson and was able to incorporate eternal families into my message.  I actually felt much better at church than I had the day before and much better than I feel now.  I wish I could just keep that feeling of peace all the time.  I pray for it.  Everyday.  Do you know how awful it is to be jealous all the time?  Jealousy is the ugliest of emotions to me.  I hate that when someone tells me they are pregnant that that is what I feel, mostly just those people that are having their second or more child.  I am fine with those that are pregnant for the first time.  I think because they aren't getting more than I have.  Isnt that awful?  I literally pray everyday that I can have a peaceful feeling and not be so upset when I find out others are getting the blessing that I want so badly.  A baby.  Ugh, it really really sucks. 

Well part of my lesson had this in it, it is from a general conference talk by Richard G Scott.

We had the blessing of having children. A daughter, the first child, continues to be an enormous blessing in our lives. A couple of years later a son we named Richard was born. A few years later a daughter was born. She died after living only a few minutes.

Our son, Richard, was born with a heart defect. We were told that unless that could be cured, there was little probability that he would live more than two or three years. This was so long ago that techniques now used to repair such defects were unknown. We had the blessing of having a place where doctors agreed to attempt to perform the needed surgery. The surgery had to be done while his little heart was beating.

The surgery was performed just six weeks after the birth and death of our baby daughter. When the operation finished, the principal surgeon came in and said it was a success. And we thought, “How wonderful! Our son will have a strong body, be able to run and walk and grow!” We expressed deep gratitude to the Lord. Then about 10 minutes later, the same doctor came in with an ashen face and told us, “Your son has died.” Apparently the shock of the operation was more than his little body could endure.

Later, during the night, I embraced my wife and said to her, “We do not need to worry, because our children were born in the covenant. We have the assurance that we will have them with us in the future. Now we have a reason to live extremely well. We have a son and a daughter who have qualified to go to the celestial kingdom because they died before the age of eight.” That knowledge has given us great comfort. We rejoice in the knowledge that all seven of our children are sealed to us for time and all eternity.

That trial has not been a problem for either of us because, when we live righteously and have received the ordinances of the temple, everything else is in the hands of the Lord. We can do the best we can, but the final outcome is up to Him. We should never complain, when we are living worthily, about what happens in our lives.

Wow...... I have a lot to learn.  I pray so hard that I can have that same mind set.  I want more than nothing, besides a baby :) to be able to feel like this.

Why?

February 23 2013.  Best. Day. Ever.  I went skiing with a friend and had a ton of fun catching up.  It had been quite awhile since we had gotten together and it was great to just hang out, the two of us.  Felt like we were back in high school.  My dad was great and watched Pars for me as Paul was out of town for work.  On the way home from the mountain and after dropping Heather off at her parents house I thought, "just go buy some.... go to the dollar store, that way if you have to use a lot you won't be out the 20 bucks you usually spend."  I had never used a dollar store pregnancy test, but heard they worked just the same as the fancy pants brands so I went and picked up 4.  I went home and fought with myself over taking one or not.  It was still 2 days before my period was due and I hated getting that negative result and thinking that its still a possibility, that my hormones just weren't high enough to register on a test.  I tried to nap while Pars was napping but I just tossed and turned.  Why not?  I have 4 and if it is negative it wont be anything I haven't already been experiencing for the last 7 months.  I took one.  Was that a line?.... not really but I swore if I put it up to the light and held it at an angle I could see something.  I took another one.... same thing.... swore I could see something at a specific angle.  One of my friends who knew we were trying had told me about a website where you can upload a pic of your pregnancy test and then other women ttc can vote on it.  Sound silly?  Yeah it did to me too, but I thought, what the heck.  I posted it and kept checking it incessantly, what was I expecting after 2 minutes?  Well I didn't have the patience to wait much longer, especially thinking that I did in fact see a line.  So, I started reading up on how to tell if it's your imagination or reality showing you that coveted second pink line.  One lady said to use water and compare.  Genius!   I did, there was absolutely nothing, and by that time my imaginary line had become a little darker.  I knew it was positive.  I got a huge smile on my face and started walking out of the bathroom.  After two or three steps I dropped to my knees and started sobbing.  I was thanking my Heavenly Father for the baby that I had been praying for and wanted so badly.  I don't know if I have ever felt more thankful for anything in my life.  I could hardly wipe the grin off my face for the rest of the night.  Paul was still out of town, set to arrive the next day.  I figured I would find some fun way to tell him when he got home.  Pars, my dad, and I went to an aggie basketball game that night.  After the game I told him I needed to stop by the store and grab some stuff for Pars.  Didn't know if I could believe the dollar store test or the 72 positive votes I got on my picture on that silly website.  I had to get a digital.  As we pulled in to the house after the game there was a car in the driveway.... as we got closer to the garage (my parents have a long driveway) I realized it was my car!  Paul had surprised me and was home early!!! I was so excited.  This day was going perfect!  Pars was giddy to see his dad, so as they were playing, I slipped into the bathroom to take the digital.  Do you know how long those three minutes seem?  Yes, I am sure you do.  I was pacing and my heart was beating fast when suddenly the words "PREGNANT" flashed across the screen!  I was elated!  I was finally pregnant.  3 of my best friends were pregnant, both of my sisters in law had just had babies, both my sisters were pregnant, one of my best friends has just had a baby, everyone was pregnant or had just had a baby.  It was finally my turn!  Long story not quite so long,  I called my doctors office to tell them the great news, and to get a blood test because I had just had surgery in December to clean me all out in hopes of getting pregnant.  (I have endometriosis, ovarian cysts, and uterine polyps)  I got pregnant exactly 8 weeks after the surgery, the exact same situation as I had with Parson.  I got pregnant with him exactly 8 weeks after my first "clean-out" surgery.  Anyway, since I have some issues they like to start taking blood tests asap to make sure that my HCG levels are doubling as they should.  So that first week everything looked great, the next week I got sick, like hideously sick, throwing up in the middle of the night.... oh great here it goes again.  At exactly 5 weeks, just like with Pars.  I was so sick with Pars, like weighed 18 pounds less one week postpartum than I did when I got pregnant with him.  I was so hoping my next pregnancy would be different.  Bring on the Zofran.  Started taking it and oddly enough my nausea went away.  This isn't normal.  Something's wrong.  Paul tried to tell me nothing was wrong.  It shouldn't have just left like that I thought, so I called the doc.  They wanted me to come back in for some more tests the next week to make sure the HCG was still doubling.  It was too early to see much on an Ultrasound.  Well the next week came and the tests all came back normal.  Everything looked great!  I was heading back to TN two days after I turned 7 weeks.  I had kept it a secret the whole time I was in UT.  You should be proud.  That is big for me!  Anyway, that day was the first day I really started experiencing the nausea again.  Perfect, flying to TN from UT with a 2 year old feeling nauseous is just what I wanted to do.  Anyway I continued to feel like junk.  I had found a doctor out here that is close by my house and had made an appt for the day I turned 8 weeks.  Well, we made it a family affair and all went to the appointment.  We all talked for quite awhile and this and that, then it was finally time for the ultrasound.  I couldn't wait to see my baby.  There it was!  We saw LB (little bean) moving around and the heart beat.  That is the best thing to see, just the most amazing feeling to know that you have a little life inside of you.  Pars kept saying it was his sister.  The doctor got a kick out of that.  No matter which way we worded it or asked him if it was a boy or a girl or a brother or a sister he would say sister, and girl.  It was beyond cute.  We did have a little damper on the day as the doctor said LB was measuring smaller than expected... no no I am really sick and you cant tell me I am not as far along as I thought.  Not only was it frustrating on that end, but also because I KNOW when I got pregnant.  I have been trying for 7 months, and I tried for 1.5 years for Pars.  I take OPK's, take my basal body temperature, check all other needed things, and basically schedule my ooh la la's around my ovulation, not to mention Paul had been out of town the entire next week and I write down the days of said ooh la la's.  Don't try to tell me I am 10 days off.  I KNOW I am not.  So after he had me look at a calendar and I confirmed that I knew I was not off on my days and 15 more minutes of convincing him of that, he told me to come back in two and a half weeks and he was sure the baby would be measuring on schedule at that point.  Fast forward two and a half weeks later.  10:30 A.M. April 11th.  I am just pulling in to the doctors office. I am 10.5 weeks pregnant, still feeling awful, throwing up, crying a lot, and just waiting for this first trimester to be over.  I had no idea how fast that ending was going to come.  As I was waiting for the doctor my heart was beating rapidly and my palms were sweaty.  I thought it was just because I was so nervous that the baby would still be measuring over a week too small.  I told the doctor of my concern as he came in.  I told him that the last two and a half weeks I had been really nervous that the baby wasn't growing right since it was measuring so small.  He reassured me that as soon as they started the ultrasound my fears would be put at east as I saw my little bean move around and measure right on schedule.  He had a big grin on his face.  The nurse made a joke as he started the ultra-sound.  I don't know why that stands out to me, but every time I replay the situation I remember her laughing.  Nurses should never laugh at the beginning of an ultrasound.  You never know if it is going to end badly.  He started the ultrasound and it took a few seconds to find anything, but that was the same as the first ultrasound.  It wasn't until 15 or more seconds later.  I have the same feeling writing this as I did as I laid there in that office.  It's awful.  I knew I was about to hear something terrible come out of my doctors mouth.  I was right.  Looking back it still feels like a bad dream.  Like I was in a fog.  "I'm so incredibly sorry," he started.  My head was spinning and tears ran down my cheeks.  It didn't even look like a baby anymore.  Just a big blob with an umbilical cord.  He said it probably died shortly after my first scan. That was a really hard part about this whole situation.  How could my baby die and I not have a clue or any inkling that something was wrong.  What if it hurt?  What if the experience of death was awful?  He continued to apologize and told me that we can't ask God why or how he could do this but to just have faith.  Everyone is very religious out here and his whole office is centered on faith and God.  He asked me what I wanted to do.  Did I want to wait to let it pass on my own?  He said the fact that little bean had been gone for a week, maybe two and that I was still experiencing morning sickness and had no cramping or bleeding weren't good signs that my body would pass it on its own.  He said he has had women come in 6 weeks later and their body is still trying its hardest to hang on to the baby even though it was dead.  The placenta continues to suck nutrients from the mother.  He said I could take medicine that would induce labor and I would be able to pass it at home or I could opt for a D&C.  I choose the later.  I couldn't stand thinking that I would have to pass my baby in bits and pieces and it may take a week or more for it to all come out.  I didn't think that I could emotionally handle it.  He scheduled me for surgery that afternoon.  I cried and I cried.  I came home and got in the shower.  I lost it.  I sobbed.  I was on the floor in the shower and I literally had no strength to do anything but cry.  This is going to kill me.  That is how intense my sorrow was.  How could this be happening?  I hadn't prepared myself for something like this.  Why did God give me this pregnancy that I wanted so badly if he was just going to take it away?  Why did he let this happen?  That night as I was lying in bed, I felt like I had been hit by a train.  I had just been through the most emotionally draining day in my life.  It again, all felt like a dream.  Like it hadn't really happened.  The next few days I got a lot of "well, at least you know you can get pregnant," "it will happen again soon," "something was wrong with the baby," "can you imagine how hard it would be to raise a disabled child?" "everything happens for a reason."  I know everyone was just trying to help.  But I felt like actually, no, I don't know that I can have a healthy pregnancy.  Maybe Pars was my miracle child and I won't get another chance.  Maybe the baby was fine and it is something wrong with me.  God could have made the pregnancy healthy.  I don't care if it was disabled, I want my baby back.  I had completed 1/4 of my pregnancy.  I was so excited for Nov 6.  I couldn't wait to give Pars a sibling, and in an instant it was all gone.  It wasn't, isn't fair.  I know I am not the best mom, but I think I am a pretty good one.  What was I supposed to learn from this?  Do I not deserve another baby?   I did take sudafed one day while I was in Utah for a bad head cold, but the pharmacist said I could.  Did that cause a problem?  I went to the jump zone with my family right after I found out, did I cause a problem then?  My mind has been filled with "what if's" and "if only's" and "could haves" since I found out little bean had passed away.

My mind is much more clear now than it was then.  I don't think that I did anything wrong or that I am being punished.  Is it still unfair?  Yes.  Would I give anything to cuddle that little baby and watch him or her grow up?  Yes, but I know that there was a purpose in this.  I was hypothetically talking to God a few nights ago.  I have been too mad to actually pray.  I imagined saying to Him, "Why did you let this happen?  Why did you even give me this baby if you were only going to rip it away from me?  It's not like you would have been taking anyone's free agency if you let my baby stay with me."  And then a very distinct thought came into my mind.  What if He would have taken little beans free agency away by making him or her stay.  (I will now use "her" because that's the feeling I have, that little bean is a girl)  What if He told her that she could stay with me but that it was going to be for a short time for whatever reason; a medical condition, an accident, etc... because she was such a special spirit that she was needed in Heaven more than she was needed here.  So He told her she could choose.  She knew that I wouldn't be able to bear letting her go later, so she decided that she better go now; to save me from more heartache and pain than I could ever imagine.  She will patiently wait for all my snuggles and loves once I get there.  Little Bean will be waiting for me.  It's a pretty hopeful scenario but one I have come to peace with and truly believe.

I used to judge people that had pregnancy loss's.  If it was too early on, why would they still count them in their family line up.  No one knows exactly what will happen, if those little spirits get to come again or if that tiny body counts for them.  I thought it was so weird when people would say that they had two kids if they only had one (or any other scenario) due to a miscarriage.  I wondered why some people were so open about it.  I thought it was something that should be kept to yourself,  It is a sad situation, but not that big of a deal.  I now understand that everyone deals with a loss differently.  I thought that I would be able to look at it in a very logical way if something like this ever happened to me.  That I would be able to realize that something was wrong with the baby and that it wasn't meant to be.  That is not the way I have dealt with it. To me, this is the hardest thing that I have ever experienced thus far in my life.  I have never felt so empty or brokenhearted before.   It was a baby, it is my baby and I know that she (or he) is waiting for me in Heaven and is so thankful that I was able to give him or her it's short little life.  I love my little bean and although I am heartbroken this happened, I will keep the faith that it will all make sense in the end.  When I can look back and see "Why" this had to happen, I will understand.  Until then I have to try my hardest to be at peace and know that God loves me and is just as heartbroken as I am.  I will get through this and become a stronger person because of it.  It's not going to be easy, but it will get better.

This is how I was going to tell my family.  Even though he or she won't be here on Nov 6 anymore, Pars boy is still a big brother, to Little Bean, and to a little brother or sister that has yet to come.  Whether in a year or 10, I know I will get the chance to have another baby.

Look at that face!  I have a lot to be grateful for.

Down South

Blogging is hard for me, I wish I had more..... side note, I can never ever think of the words I want to use when I want to use them....... so frustrating.......... can I blame pregnancy or motherhood for my mushy brain?   Anyway I wish I had more..... you know what I am trying to say right?  Well we now live in Pigeon Forge Tennessee...... CRAZY...... It was supposed to be just for the summer, but we recently found out that we will be here for at least a year.... wow what a surprise, and now that I am enjoying myself a little more out here I can happily say that I am excited about it.  We are looking for a house to rent so I can get out of this isolating cabin in the woods.... whew that will be such a relief!  We have had a pretty fun summer so far!  We have been to North Carolina, Nashville, and I got to go home for a few weeks! Also, my little nugget is 6 months old! :(  Where has the time gone?  He is growing up too fast!  He is such a pleasant little stink, but he definitely has a stubborn streak, hmmm?  We love him so much!  We haven't had his 6 month appt yet, but at his 4 month check up he weighed 12lbs 12oz.... Pretty small little thing which I am quite proud of, I never thought I would produce something so little and I kind of like it! He is the best thing about our life by far!  What was life like without you tuna?  I LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU!   (gusto, thats a word close to the word I would have liked to use at the beginning but still not the word...... 5 hours later and still I cant think of the word I want, blah!)

(update: the word I was looking for was motivation.... it took me a day and a half to figure that out....wow)

 His first cereal experience

 His first ocean experience.  Emerald Isle, NC

 Pepsi was invented here

 I love these two more than life itself!

 Well hello there....

 So smiley!

Hike with the view of the smokies.... Gatlinburg, TN

*parson kai*

Who knew that having a baby could be so amazing?! Ok so I am sure anyone who has had a baby knows this, but I had no clue! I love this little stink so so so much. Everyone told me how worth all the junk I went through being pregnant would be once he got here, and to be honest, I kind of wanted to slap anyone who told me that. Did they not understand how sick I was? Pretty sure when you adopt a kid you still get a baby in your arms and you don't have to deal with pregnancy. Thats what I was planning for the next time around because I sure as heck was never going to be pregnant again........ that idea has all changed. I have never had such an amazing moment in my life as I did when I saw Pars for the first time. It was magical..... sounds cheesy, but thats what I have become in the few weeks I have been a mom..... a big fat emotional cheese ball. I look back at all the bad days I had being pregnant and then I look at my little guy and I would go through those days a million times over to be able to have him in my life. It was so worth it and I feel so guilty thinking about how rude I was about being pregnant. I look at him and just tell him how sorry I am for being so stupid and complaining all the time..... he was worth every stinking minute of it. It's not that I forgot how awful I felt....... I don't think I will ever forget! But now I know just how worth it making him was! My heart truly does not live inside of me anymore, it lays in my little boys arms...... I don't think I have ever believed in love at first sight but that changed the second I saw Parson! Holy cow, I can't even begin to explain or put into words just how much I love him and how happy I am that he has joined Paul and I to make our new little family. We love you so much little guy! Thank you thank you thank you for letting us be your parents!!!