The hardest lesson to learn...

I should be 6 month pregnant today.....
This blows.

I have had a hideous few days.  Nothing is worse than having a period when all you want is to be pregnant.  Makes matters much worse when it only lasts for a day.  Now I get to stress over what the hell is wrong with me now.  One day is not sufficient in creating a cozy little cocoon for a baby. 

I had to speak in sacrament yesterday and give the lesson in YW.  I was dreading it.  I was really hoping this past month was "the" month, but then Saturday showed up and slapped me in the face.  So, preparing for my lesson and talk, I had quite a bad attitude and was not looking forward one bit in proclaming how grateful I was for the gospel or God or anything else.  I wanted to crawl in a hole.  I feel pretty awful for being so upset about this when I have pars.  I feel like I shouldn't be sad or can't be sad because I have been blessed with so much.  Usually I am better at not stewing on the fact my child is dead.  I tell myself how lucky I am that I have pars and that things could be so much worse and think about all the wonderful blessings in my life.  Well the last few days I have sucked at doing that and am just mad.  I still feel all those things but it does not make this situation I am in any easier.  At least not today or yesterday, or Saturday. 

Back to my lesson and talk.  As I was preparing for my talk on ordinances and covenants I was drawn to GC talks about the plan of salvation and eternal families.  I find myself wanting to tell everyone about little bean.  Not because I want them to feel sorry for me, but I want everyone to know I HAVE another baby.  Pars is a big brother.  If I would have gone to term I would have pictures up all over facebook and my blog and would be telling everyone how much I love my new little addition.  Well, I still feel that way.  I have a baby everyone.  A dang cute one I am sure, and she was so special she got to go straight to heaven!  Who would have thought I could have produced something so righteous that she got to bypass life?!  Anyway, back to my preparations for church..... I feel like I ended up with a good talk and a good lesson and was able to incorporate eternal families into my message.  I actually felt much better at church than I had the day before and much better than I feel now.  I wish I could just keep that feeling of peace all the time.  I pray for it.  Everyday.  Do you know how awful it is to be jealous all the time?  Jealousy is the ugliest of emotions to me.  I hate that when someone tells me they are pregnant that that is what I feel, mostly just those people that are having their second or more child.  I am fine with those that are pregnant for the first time.  I think because they aren't getting more than I have.  Isnt that awful?  I literally pray everyday that I can have a peaceful feeling and not be so upset when I find out others are getting the blessing that I want so badly.  A baby.  Ugh, it really really sucks. 

Well part of my lesson had this in it, it is from a general conference talk by Richard G Scott.

We had the blessing of having children. A daughter, the first child, continues to be an enormous blessing in our lives. A couple of years later a son we named Richard was born. A few years later a daughter was born. She died after living only a few minutes.

Our son, Richard, was born with a heart defect. We were told that unless that could be cured, there was little probability that he would live more than two or three years. This was so long ago that techniques now used to repair such defects were unknown. We had the blessing of having a place where doctors agreed to attempt to perform the needed surgery. The surgery had to be done while his little heart was beating.

The surgery was performed just six weeks after the birth and death of our baby daughter. When the operation finished, the principal surgeon came in and said it was a success. And we thought, “How wonderful! Our son will have a strong body, be able to run and walk and grow!” We expressed deep gratitude to the Lord. Then about 10 minutes later, the same doctor came in with an ashen face and told us, “Your son has died.” Apparently the shock of the operation was more than his little body could endure.

Later, during the night, I embraced my wife and said to her, “We do not need to worry, because our children were born in the covenant. We have the assurance that we will have them with us in the future. Now we have a reason to live extremely well. We have a son and a daughter who have qualified to go to the celestial kingdom because they died before the age of eight.” That knowledge has given us great comfort. We rejoice in the knowledge that all seven of our children are sealed to us for time and all eternity.

That trial has not been a problem for either of us because, when we live righteously and have received the ordinances of the temple, everything else is in the hands of the Lord. We can do the best we can, but the final outcome is up to Him. We should never complain, when we are living worthily, about what happens in our lives.

Wow...... I have a lot to learn.  I pray so hard that I can have that same mind set.  I want more than nothing, besides a baby :) to be able to feel like this.