Just keep swimming

21 weeks ago I found out my little bean didn't have a heart beat anymore.  The hardest thing by far that I have ever gone through.  In those 21 weeks I have felt more pain than I could have ever imagined a miscarriage could cause.  My life is still consumed by it.  I think about how far along I should be, I see other pregnant people that are due around the same time I was and my heart feels like it is breaking a little bit more than it already was.  I wish so much I had another little spirit inside me that I was preparing for.  I don't.  And it hurts.  But, I know that even when I do get pregnant again, that it won't take away the pain of loosing little bean.  I have friends that are having babies around the time little bean should have been born, and I know that seeing those kids through the years will always remind me of what I lost.  Hopefully it can turn into a smile when I see them, and I can imagine my little bean watching over our family and waiting for us to all be reunited.  I miss her terribly... I would give anything to be able to be 31 weeks pregnant right now, awaiting our little arrival....
I have learned a lot in the last few months.  Probably the thing that has helped me the very most has been this:

 Tragedy or Destiny?

My sister sent me this link.... I am so thankful that she did.  It answered so many of my questions of why Heavenly Father let this happen to me.  After I read it the first time, I actually felt grateful that I have had this experience.  Every time I get sad or depressed I try to read it.  It just helps me put things in perspective.  This is why we are all here.  To go through hard things.  He can't take it all away or we wouldn't be able to learn and grow.  So why does fertile myrtle get all the kids she wants at the exact moment she wants them and I have tried for 15 months with 3 surgeries and a miscarriage and I still am not pregnant?  Because as much as fertile myrtle makes me want to pull my hair out and scream "do you have any idea how lucky you are?" she has her own trials that I am sure I would not want.  I knew what my life was going to entail, and all the trials that I could potentially face.  I wanted it.  I wanted it desperately so I could be able to return and live with my Heavenly Father and my family for eternity.  As much as this trial hurts, I guess it is a good one to have, because I literally have a little angel fighting for us on the other side waiting for us all to be together again....

I have been feeling very alone.  It would be so great to talk to someone, cry with someone that is in my shoes.  I know there are millions of people out there that are but none that I know, or if I do know someone that has experienced it, their situation is different. I have a friend who has had 8 losses and still no kids.  I feel awful talking to her because I do have a child.  I have the one thing she would give anything for.  I am so thankful for Pars!  However, it is like telling someone who lost there mother, don't be sad, you still have your dad.  I am so grateful for Pars, but I still am very sad about the loss and then throw in infertility on top of it and I'm a wreck.  It gets old trying to talk to people that haven't experienced it.  I probably look a little pathetic and people think I need to pull myself together.  I think if my pre miscarriage self talked to my post miscarriage self, I wouldn't really know what to say or how to relate, I would feel bad, but then i would just think it was time to move on.  Even talking to some people that have had a miscarriage but weren't as affected by it as I have been don't seem to help.  That actually makes it worse, like I am making too big of deal about it.  Gosh it would be nice to not be in this situation, but when I feel like I am going to burst, with no one to talk to, then I come here and write all my thoughts down.  For some reason, it helps knowing that it will be read... if only by 1 person, it helps me feel like I really was able to get it all out and talk to someone, even though I did all the talking.

Lots and lots and lots of people have it soooo much worse than me.  I am living in paradise, have an amazing husband, the most darling son in the universe, the gospel, and all my basic needs and more met.  I need to spend a little more time thanking God for all that he has blessed me with and a little less time on what he didn't let me keep.  I think these are my lessons in all of this..... Be happy, don't take for granted what you DO have, and patience.  Its hard work this thing called life.  

It is days like today I tell myself "just keep swimming, just keep swimming" Thanks Dorie,  I'll try my hardest.