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today sucks.  that's all

The last 22 months

Here is a breakdown of the last 22 months of our lives

IUD removed in June 2012

Failed Natural IUI with HCG trigger Sept 2012

Timed IC with OPK’s and BBT everyday Oct-Dec 2012... all BFN's

HSG showed clear tubes in Nov 2012

Dec 2012 - Surgery (hysteroscopy/laparoscopy) to remove endo, ovarian cysts, and uterine polyp

BFP Feb 2013, EDD Nov 2013

Heartbeat seen at 8 week ultrasound, but baby was measuring 5/6 days small

10.5 week ultrasound on April 11 to check baby's size, determined there was no longer a heartbeat
and the baby stopped growing at roughly 8 to 9 weeks

D&C same day I found out the baby was gone.  April 11, 2014

Hemorrhaged on April 19^th,, ER trip and ultrasound showed retained products of conception

Doctor wouldn’t consider retained products of conception because that had never happened in any other patient in his whole career.  Made me take medicine to induce cramping, which resulted in no bleeding whatsoever

Blood tests revealed I have a mutation on my MTHFR gene.  It’s complicated to explain.  Basically I take a baby aspirin everyday and take more natural folate (no folic acid) because of it.  Other than that, I’m fine.  The doctor, however, told me the pregnancy I lost was doomed from the beginning and I needed to take a shot of blood thinning medications everyday for any subsequent pregnancy.  He also informed me of elevated ANA levels in my blood that could indicate lupus or another autoimmune disease.  That was a fun appt.

Went to another doctor (my amazing doc in Utah) and received my second D&C May 14^th 2013.  Showed retained products of conception.  Lab test reveled it was part of the placenta.

Failed 100mg Clomid cycle with timed IC July 2013

OPK and BBT monitoring all with BFN’s Aug – Nov 2013

Nov 5 2013, another surgery, (hysteroscopy/laparoscopy) to remove endo, ovarian cysts, no polyps this time but blocked right tube

Saline U/S showed normal uterine space Dec 2013

Failed IUI with 2.5 mg of femara and HCG trigger shot in Dec 2013

January and February 2014 - BFN’s (natural attempts)

IVF #1 March 2014 –BCP, Lupron, Follistim, Menopur, HCG trigger shot.  Egg retrieval on Tue 3/25 – 12 eggs retrieved, 10 mature, 9 fertilized by ICSI.  All 9 looked great at three days, Embryo transfer scheduled on day 5 (3/30) selective single embryo transfer of a textbook perfect 5 day blastocyst.  3 other blastocysts looked great at day 5 and they were all frozen.  The remaining 5 embryos they let grow to day 6 to see if any others could be frozen.  I got the call on day 6 that of the remaining 5 embryos only 1 was strong enough to freeze.  I felt a little tug on my heartstrings for the 4 that didn’t make it, but it meant that I had 4 embryos frozen and waiting for me, plus the one that was growing inside of me.  4/9/2014 was my blood draw.  IVF #1 resulted in a BFN. 

Talked with the nurse today and they said they could start me on BCP and we can move forward with a frozen embryo transfer.  Not sure what we are going to do.  This has been a hell of a year and I’m a little tired.

KEY

IUI = intrauterine insemination

BFN = big fat negative (negative pregnancy test)

BFP = big fat positive (positive pregnancy test)

Endo = endometriosis

IC = intercourse

OPK = ovulation predictor kit

BBT = basal body temperature

HSG = A hysterosalpingogram is an x-ray test that looks at the inside of the uterus, fallopian tubes and the area around them.  They basically fill your uterus up with a colored dye or liquid then watch it move through your fallopian tubes to make sure you have no blockages.

EDD = Estimated Due Date

ICSI = Intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection involves injecting a single sperm directly into an egg in order to fertilize it. The fertilized egg (embryo) is then transferred to the woman’s womb.  The major development of ICSI means that as long as some sperm can be obtained (even in very low numbers), fertilization is possible

BCP = Birth control pills 

People sometimes ask what the difference is between IUI and IVF.  With IUI, basically your husband provides a sample and then the lab washes it so only the strongest sperm survive.  They then put the sperm in a sugar solution to get them all amped up.  They put them in a catheter and thread it through your cervix to release them as close to the fallopian tubes as possible.  That way the sperm don't have such a long journey to find the egg, which is waiting in the fallopian tube for fertilization.

With IVF they give you a heap of medicine to hyper-stimulate your ovaries to produce multiple follices (fluid filled sacs that also contains your eggs) They then go in for the egg retrieval with a hollow needle and poke through the side of the uterus in order to enter the ovary to suck out all mature follicles.  They do this on both sides so they can get follicles from both your left and right ovaries.  They then fertalize the eggs either with traditional IVF where they wash the sperm as they do in an IUI cycle and place all the eggs and the sperm together in a dish.  Or, in our case with ICSI, an embryologist selects one single healthy sperm for each egg and injects it directly into the egg.  The eggs then grow in the lab and depending on how healthy they are, you will be scheduled for either a 3 day or a 5 day transfer (the embryo is considered a blastocyst on day 5).  My clinic likes to do 5 day transfers because they feel that if the embryo made it to blastocyst stage, then you have a more likely chance to have a successful pregnancy.  I am a good example of that.  All 9 of mine made it to day 3 and they all looked awesome.  When day 5 came around, 4 looked awesome and the other 5 needed to develop further to day 6 to show their full potential.  By day 6, only 1 of the 5 was healthy enough to freeze. 

Oh, and IVF is ridiculously more expensive than IUI.... for good reason though.  IVF is a miracle to me.  I am very grateful that the Lord has blessed people with this knowledge. It may be our only shot at adding another little nugget to our family.

Neagtive

Tomorrow is the big day

I cheated. I took a test on sunday. I was 7dp5dt. ( 7 days past my embryo transfer that I had at 5 days past fertilization... Aka 12 days past ovulation) It was negative. I cried and I cried and I cried. I was so disappointed.  That's not even the right word. It was devastating.  It has ruined my day for the last three days. I have had a few tender mercies yesterday and today though. I met a woman at the park yesterday that is contemplating ivf because they have done multiple rounds of iui and other fertility treatments with no success. It was so nice to talk to someone that understood. I'm grateful my sister forced me out of bed and made me take pictures of my self around town doing stuff so she knew I wasn't home googling all the stuff that said it's not a good sign if you get a negative at 7dp5dt. Then today I went over to my neighbors house. She has a little boy that's 5 so we let him and pars play together. They played so well and it was so fun to know that pars will have a permanent friend here!  The whole infertility thing is especially hard for me in regards to pars. I hate that he might feel lonely. I want to give him a friend so bad. I was so relieved that he and B played together so well and his mom and I have so much in common. I can see us being great friends. Somehow the topic got brought up about kids and I told her my situation. Turns out she had a failed ivf round last year. She also had a miscarriage at 12 weeks but they thought the baby had died at 9 weeks. Mine was at 10.5 weeks and they think the baby died at 8 weeks. The situations are so similar. Anyway she and her husband have since decided they can't take the stress of all the hormones and crap that goes along with it.  So... they are going to be content with their one and only little guy. I was able to cry and she hugged me and I just felt so relieved to talk with someone that knew exactly what I was going through and knew exactly how I felt.  I was a different person when I got home tonight. I just felt a huge crushing  weight lifted off my shoulders.  Both of these situations were a tender mercy from The Lord. I know it. And I couldn't be more thankful. Tomorrow I will know for sure, and I can't tell you how relieved I am that if the news is bad I will have someone to talk to that WILL know exactly how I feel. I have been begging my Heavenly Father to let me be pregnant but I have also been begging to have the peace of knowing that if it doesn't work it is because He didn't allow it for some reason or another and that everything will work out as it should. I am praying so hard to have that clarity and to be grateful no matter the outcome.  

Fertilization Report

UFC just called with my fert report.  I had my retrieval yesterday.  They retrieved 12 eggs.  When the doctor came in to tell me how many eggs they got I guess I got a look of disappointment and said "really, thats all?"  She said, "No don't be sad!  That's great!"  She said it's excellent to get anything between 10 and 20 eggs.  I told her I was just a little upset that they had seen 21 eggs and only retrieved 12.  She said that it just meant they didn't all continue to grow but to be very happy with 12.  She told me that they would call me today with the report and to NOT stress.  Ha easier said than done.  So I got the call at 1:05 pm.  As soon as I saw it was them, I answered and my heart plummeted to the bottom of my stomach.  I hadn't really been stressed all day, but as soon as I answered, it all hit me.  "Hi this is Patrick from Utah Fertility Center, is Ashley available?"  oh really this is UFC?  As if I didn't know their number by heart.
"Yep this is Ashley."
"I am calling with your fertilization report."
Ok, obviously you are calling with my fertilization report!  "Yep" I say.
"So we could only fertilize the mature eggs.  You had 12 retrieved yesterday but they weren't all mature."
I think I had a mini heart attack right then.... I stayed silent.
"10 of the 12 were mature and of those 10.................(drum roll please.........) 9 fertilized normally"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  He didn't add the drum roll or the excitement I am portraying here but I am just floored!  I am so relieved and excited!  Just thinking about my nine little nuggets growing in their little incubator in Utah Valley has me so happy!! He told me that they won't bother them again until Friday and they will call me then to tell me how they are doing and give me instructions for the embryo transfer that we have scheduled for Sunday.  I am hoping that of the 9, at least 4 make it to blastocyst stage on Sunday and we can transfer one or two, and have two or three left over to freeze.  Ahh I am so happy!!!  Please pray for my little embryos to stay strong!  Here are a few pictures of the  process so far....

um this is how bloated I was before the transfer.  That looks about how I looked at 8 months pregnant with pars.  no joke.

the hcg trigger shot.  by far the most excited i was for a shot during this whole process.  it was actually happening..... we were really doing it.

my poor belly the day before retrieval.  i was ready for the 3 weeks of multiple shots a day to be over.

i didn't think in a million years i would ever have to go through ivf to get a baby.  at this moment, i am thankful for my trials.  i have grown so much this past year.

just getting off the phone.  i am so so so so so excited and happy and crying and ahhh i can't believe this!!

Trigger!

I trigger (give myself a shot of hcg) in 1 hour and 1 min!!! That means my egg retrieval is Tuesday at 11 am. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!  I am so excited I can't stand it. Woot woot!!

My eggs are baking

So I had my first ultrasound today since starting the stimulating shots. Honestly, my cycle doing clomid and femara were worse than this one. During those cycles I had such awful cramps and felt like my ovaries were going to explode... Oh and I only had one mature egg.  So needless to say I have been EXTREMELEY nervous that I was going to go today and they were going to tell me that I only had one or two mature follicles (eggs) and they would covert this cycle to iui. Well I was pleasantly surprised. I had about 5 follicles that were 19mm and a bunch that were around 17mm. They like to give the trigger shot (shot of HCG that makes you ovulate about 36 hours later) when you have three lead follicles between 18 and 24 mm. So I am about there, and may be giving myself the trigger shot tonight. I am still waiting to hear back from my clinic. If I don't hear anything than I stay on my same dosages of stims and go for another ultrasound tomorrow morning. So far this has gone pretty smoothly. I have been having some side effects from the medication; exhaustion (much beyond just being a little tired), headaches, nausea, and achy joints.  I knew all of these thighs could be coming and honestly they haven't been too bad.... I am excited to trigger though, then I get to stop the stims and my egg retrieval will be scheduled for 36 hours after trigger.  The HCG trigger also helps speed up the maturation of the follicles that aren't as big, so hopefully I have all 21 that they saw at the first of my cycle removed.  It's finally happening and I feel calm... I mean it's stressful, but I feel more calm and more positive about the outcome than I thought I would. Things are good :) 

Shots

Took my first does of folistim and menopur today. I had heard the menopur shot was really painful so I was worried about it. Come to find out it only stung a little and wasn't too bad. It's been 15 hours since I took the first of my stimulation medicines and my ovaries already ache. As weird as that sounds, that's the best description. This does not make me excited for the next week and a half. Also, my back, wow.... Still in a lot of pain.  I am praying it doesn't interfere with ivf. I will call the fertility clinic first thing Monday morning and get their thoughts. I spoke with my orthopedic doctor and my brother in law, who is a physical therapist, and they think with the pain I'm in that I could benefit greatly from an epidural cortisone shot. I may have a ruptured disc and that is why I'm in such awful pain. Should I hurry and do the epidural cortisone shot before I get pregnant or will that lower my odds of the IVF working. If I don't do it, will I be kicking myself because they don't like to do them in pregnancy and I will be an invalid for 9 months.  Blah!!  So much going on all at once... Hopefully my next update is better than this one!

Ivf update

So I had my baseline ultrasound yesterday. I have 21 eggs!  Yeah!  I was so nervous that I would go and they would say I didn't have any and we would have to cancel this cycle. I told the doctor that, and she said not have any?! That's silly, of course you have eggs!  I know I know, but I was just expecting the worst. I start my two other shots tomorrow (follicle stimulating hormones) and hopefully a week from Monday I will do the egg retrieval. They hope out of the 21 eggs at least half will mature (10 ish) and half of those will fertilize (5) and half of those will be strong enough to transfer back to me (2-3). We will put one or two in depending on how healthy they are and then freeze any extra. I have had a strong feeling to put two in. I don't know how I would handle twins. It would be extremely overwhelming but very fun too. I am nervous about the 2% chance that each egg can split. That means I have a chance I could have quadruplets if I put two eggs in. Ahh!  God would sure have a funny sense of humor if that happened.  It's a lot to think about but hopefully we make the right decision. I would be so bummed if we only put one in and it didn't take. I would be kicking myself for not putting two.... On the other hand if I end up with 4 babies I might end up in a crazy hospital.  

Yesterday as I was at the doctors office I bent down to take my pants off and I had an electric shock go down my back and into my leg. I found out a few weeks ago I have 2 herniated discs. I know it probably doesn't sound like a good time to try to get pregnant.... Pray this pain goes away and it won't interfere with IVF.  I can't imagine having to cancel it and making these weeks of medicine and shots all worth nothing. 

IVF.....

Well... It's been over a year now since I found out I was pregnant... Had it all worked out I would have me a little 3.5 month old right now. It's weird.  I got a lot better with everything for awhile... Felt like I had moved past a lot of the immense sadness and pain, but this last little while has been extremely hard. I've started having anxiety attacks and panic attacks. I was in Utah a few weeks ago and it was the exact time I got pregnant last year so there were so many reminders that would set me off.... Still talking about it now is starting to throw me for a loop. Anyway my whole point of this post is to chronicle my IVF process. I started my shots 3 days ago. In 2 weeks I start giving myself 2 more shots a day, for a total of three shots everyday for two weeks.  I have to take antibiotics, baby aspirin, progesterone, folate, b12 and my prenatal every day. It's pretty overwhelming.  Around march 24 is when they will do the egg retrieval. They loop ya up pretty good for that and go in with a needle through your uterus and up to your ovaries to aspirate the eggs. The hope is for around 20 eggs. They will fertilize each egg individually so we have a better chance at having embryos to transfer.  After 5 days of the embryos splitting and dividing and getting stronger, they will implant them.... Then I have two weeks of hell hoping it worked but not knowing. When I start to think of the possibility that it might not work I get really anxious and make myself sick. I have to have faith it will work. And heaven forbid it doesn't, I will just have to have faith that The Lord has something else in store for us.  So maybe if you have room, keep me in your prayers because I could really use it.