Why?

February 23 2013.  Best. Day. Ever.  I went skiing with a friend and had a ton of fun catching up.  It had been quite awhile since we had gotten together and it was great to just hang out, the two of us.  Felt like we were back in high school.  My dad was great and watched Pars for me as Paul was out of town for work.  On the way home from the mountain and after dropping Heather off at her parents house I thought, "just go buy some.... go to the dollar store, that way if you have to use a lot you won't be out the 20 bucks you usually spend."  I had never used a dollar store pregnancy test, but heard they worked just the same as the fancy pants brands so I went and picked up 4.  I went home and fought with myself over taking one or not.  It was still 2 days before my period was due and I hated getting that negative result and thinking that its still a possibility, that my hormones just weren't high enough to register on a test.  I tried to nap while Pars was napping but I just tossed and turned.  Why not?  I have 4 and if it is negative it wont be anything I haven't already been experiencing for the last 7 months.  I took one.  Was that a line?.... not really but I swore if I put it up to the light and held it at an angle I could see something.  I took another one.... same thing.... swore I could see something at a specific angle.  One of my friends who knew we were trying had told me about a website where you can upload a pic of your pregnancy test and then other women ttc can vote on it.  Sound silly?  Yeah it did to me too, but I thought, what the heck.  I posted it and kept checking it incessantly, what was I expecting after 2 minutes?  Well I didn't have the patience to wait much longer, especially thinking that I did in fact see a line.  So, I started reading up on how to tell if it's your imagination or reality showing you that coveted second pink line.  One lady said to use water and compare.  Genius!   I did, there was absolutely nothing, and by that time my imaginary line had become a little darker.  I knew it was positive.  I got a huge smile on my face and started walking out of the bathroom.  After two or three steps I dropped to my knees and started sobbing.  I was thanking my Heavenly Father for the baby that I had been praying for and wanted so badly.  I don't know if I have ever felt more thankful for anything in my life.  I could hardly wipe the grin off my face for the rest of the night.  Paul was still out of town, set to arrive the next day.  I figured I would find some fun way to tell him when he got home.  Pars, my dad, and I went to an aggie basketball game that night.  After the game I told him I needed to stop by the store and grab some stuff for Pars.  Didn't know if I could believe the dollar store test or the 72 positive votes I got on my picture on that silly website.  I had to get a digital.  As we pulled in to the house after the game there was a car in the driveway.... as we got closer to the garage (my parents have a long driveway) I realized it was my car!  Paul had surprised me and was home early!!! I was so excited.  This day was going perfect!  Pars was giddy to see his dad, so as they were playing, I slipped into the bathroom to take the digital.  Do you know how long those three minutes seem?  Yes, I am sure you do.  I was pacing and my heart was beating fast when suddenly the words "PREGNANT" flashed across the screen!  I was elated!  I was finally pregnant.  3 of my best friends were pregnant, both of my sisters in law had just had babies, both my sisters were pregnant, one of my best friends has just had a baby, everyone was pregnant or had just had a baby.  It was finally my turn!  Long story not quite so long,  I called my doctors office to tell them the great news, and to get a blood test because I had just had surgery in December to clean me all out in hopes of getting pregnant.  (I have endometriosis, ovarian cysts, and uterine polyps)  I got pregnant exactly 8 weeks after the surgery, the exact same situation as I had with Parson.  I got pregnant with him exactly 8 weeks after my first "clean-out" surgery.  Anyway, since I have some issues they like to start taking blood tests asap to make sure that my HCG levels are doubling as they should.  So that first week everything looked great, the next week I got sick, like hideously sick, throwing up in the middle of the night.... oh great here it goes again.  At exactly 5 weeks, just like with Pars.  I was so sick with Pars, like weighed 18 pounds less one week postpartum than I did when I got pregnant with him.  I was so hoping my next pregnancy would be different.  Bring on the Zofran.  Started taking it and oddly enough my nausea went away.  This isn't normal.  Something's wrong.  Paul tried to tell me nothing was wrong.  It shouldn't have just left like that I thought, so I called the doc.  They wanted me to come back in for some more tests the next week to make sure the HCG was still doubling.  It was too early to see much on an Ultrasound.  Well the next week came and the tests all came back normal.  Everything looked great!  I was heading back to TN two days after I turned 7 weeks.  I had kept it a secret the whole time I was in UT.  You should be proud.  That is big for me!  Anyway, that day was the first day I really started experiencing the nausea again.  Perfect, flying to TN from UT with a 2 year old feeling nauseous is just what I wanted to do.  Anyway I continued to feel like junk.  I had found a doctor out here that is close by my house and had made an appt for the day I turned 8 weeks.  Well, we made it a family affair and all went to the appointment.  We all talked for quite awhile and this and that, then it was finally time for the ultrasound.  I couldn't wait to see my baby.  There it was!  We saw LB (little bean) moving around and the heart beat.  That is the best thing to see, just the most amazing feeling to know that you have a little life inside of you.  Pars kept saying it was his sister.  The doctor got a kick out of that.  No matter which way we worded it or asked him if it was a boy or a girl or a brother or a sister he would say sister, and girl.  It was beyond cute.  We did have a little damper on the day as the doctor said LB was measuring smaller than expected... no no I am really sick and you cant tell me I am not as far along as I thought.  Not only was it frustrating on that end, but also because I KNOW when I got pregnant.  I have been trying for 7 months, and I tried for 1.5 years for Pars.  I take OPK's, take my basal body temperature, check all other needed things, and basically schedule my ooh la la's around my ovulation, not to mention Paul had been out of town the entire next week and I write down the days of said ooh la la's.  Don't try to tell me I am 10 days off.  I KNOW I am not.  So after he had me look at a calendar and I confirmed that I knew I was not off on my days and 15 more minutes of convincing him of that, he told me to come back in two and a half weeks and he was sure the baby would be measuring on schedule at that point.  Fast forward two and a half weeks later.  10:30 A.M. April 11th.  I am just pulling in to the doctors office. I am 10.5 weeks pregnant, still feeling awful, throwing up, crying a lot, and just waiting for this first trimester to be over.  I had no idea how fast that ending was going to come.  As I was waiting for the doctor my heart was beating rapidly and my palms were sweaty.  I thought it was just because I was so nervous that the baby would still be measuring over a week too small.  I told the doctor of my concern as he came in.  I told him that the last two and a half weeks I had been really nervous that the baby wasn't growing right since it was measuring so small.  He reassured me that as soon as they started the ultrasound my fears would be put at east as I saw my little bean move around and measure right on schedule.  He had a big grin on his face.  The nurse made a joke as he started the ultra-sound.  I don't know why that stands out to me, but every time I replay the situation I remember her laughing.  Nurses should never laugh at the beginning of an ultrasound.  You never know if it is going to end badly.  He started the ultrasound and it took a few seconds to find anything, but that was the same as the first ultrasound.  It wasn't until 15 or more seconds later.  I have the same feeling writing this as I did as I laid there in that office.  It's awful.  I knew I was about to hear something terrible come out of my doctors mouth.  I was right.  Looking back it still feels like a bad dream.  Like I was in a fog.  "I'm so incredibly sorry," he started.  My head was spinning and tears ran down my cheeks.  It didn't even look like a baby anymore.  Just a big blob with an umbilical cord.  He said it probably died shortly after my first scan. That was a really hard part about this whole situation.  How could my baby die and I not have a clue or any inkling that something was wrong.  What if it hurt?  What if the experience of death was awful?  He continued to apologize and told me that we can't ask God why or how he could do this but to just have faith.  Everyone is very religious out here and his whole office is centered on faith and God.  He asked me what I wanted to do.  Did I want to wait to let it pass on my own?  He said the fact that little bean had been gone for a week, maybe two and that I was still experiencing morning sickness and had no cramping or bleeding weren't good signs that my body would pass it on its own.  He said he has had women come in 6 weeks later and their body is still trying its hardest to hang on to the baby even though it was dead.  The placenta continues to suck nutrients from the mother.  He said I could take medicine that would induce labor and I would be able to pass it at home or I could opt for a D&C.  I choose the later.  I couldn't stand thinking that I would have to pass my baby in bits and pieces and it may take a week or more for it to all come out.  I didn't think that I could emotionally handle it.  He scheduled me for surgery that afternoon.  I cried and I cried.  I came home and got in the shower.  I lost it.  I sobbed.  I was on the floor in the shower and I literally had no strength to do anything but cry.  This is going to kill me.  That is how intense my sorrow was.  How could this be happening?  I hadn't prepared myself for something like this.  Why did God give me this pregnancy that I wanted so badly if he was just going to take it away?  Why did he let this happen?  That night as I was lying in bed, I felt like I had been hit by a train.  I had just been through the most emotionally draining day in my life.  It again, all felt like a dream.  Like it hadn't really happened.  The next few days I got a lot of "well, at least you know you can get pregnant," "it will happen again soon," "something was wrong with the baby," "can you imagine how hard it would be to raise a disabled child?" "everything happens for a reason."  I know everyone was just trying to help.  But I felt like actually, no, I don't know that I can have a healthy pregnancy.  Maybe Pars was my miracle child and I won't get another chance.  Maybe the baby was fine and it is something wrong with me.  God could have made the pregnancy healthy.  I don't care if it was disabled, I want my baby back.  I had completed 1/4 of my pregnancy.  I was so excited for Nov 6.  I couldn't wait to give Pars a sibling, and in an instant it was all gone.  It wasn't, isn't fair.  I know I am not the best mom, but I think I am a pretty good one.  What was I supposed to learn from this?  Do I not deserve another baby?   I did take sudafed one day while I was in Utah for a bad head cold, but the pharmacist said I could.  Did that cause a problem?  I went to the jump zone with my family right after I found out, did I cause a problem then?  My mind has been filled with "what if's" and "if only's" and "could haves" since I found out little bean had passed away.

My mind is much more clear now than it was then.  I don't think that I did anything wrong or that I am being punished.  Is it still unfair?  Yes.  Would I give anything to cuddle that little baby and watch him or her grow up?  Yes, but I know that there was a purpose in this.  I was hypothetically talking to God a few nights ago.  I have been too mad to actually pray.  I imagined saying to Him, "Why did you let this happen?  Why did you even give me this baby if you were only going to rip it away from me?  It's not like you would have been taking anyone's free agency if you let my baby stay with me."  And then a very distinct thought came into my mind.  What if He would have taken little beans free agency away by making him or her stay.  (I will now use "her" because that's the feeling I have, that little bean is a girl)  What if He told her that she could stay with me but that it was going to be for a short time for whatever reason; a medical condition, an accident, etc... because she was such a special spirit that she was needed in Heaven more than she was needed here.  So He told her she could choose.  She knew that I wouldn't be able to bear letting her go later, so she decided that she better go now; to save me from more heartache and pain than I could ever imagine.  She will patiently wait for all my snuggles and loves once I get there.  Little Bean will be waiting for me.  It's a pretty hopeful scenario but one I have come to peace with and truly believe.

I used to judge people that had pregnancy loss's.  If it was too early on, why would they still count them in their family line up.  No one knows exactly what will happen, if those little spirits get to come again or if that tiny body counts for them.  I thought it was so weird when people would say that they had two kids if they only had one (or any other scenario) due to a miscarriage.  I wondered why some people were so open about it.  I thought it was something that should be kept to yourself,  It is a sad situation, but not that big of a deal.  I now understand that everyone deals with a loss differently.  I thought that I would be able to look at it in a very logical way if something like this ever happened to me.  That I would be able to realize that something was wrong with the baby and that it wasn't meant to be.  That is not the way I have dealt with it. To me, this is the hardest thing that I have ever experienced thus far in my life.  I have never felt so empty or brokenhearted before.   It was a baby, it is my baby and I know that she (or he) is waiting for me in Heaven and is so thankful that I was able to give him or her it's short little life.  I love my little bean and although I am heartbroken this happened, I will keep the faith that it will all make sense in the end.  When I can look back and see "Why" this had to happen, I will understand.  Until then I have to try my hardest to be at peace and know that God loves me and is just as heartbroken as I am.  I will get through this and become a stronger person because of it.  It's not going to be easy, but it will get better.

This is how I was going to tell my family.  Even though he or she won't be here on Nov 6 anymore, Pars boy is still a big brother, to Little Bean, and to a little brother or sister that has yet to come.  Whether in a year or 10, I know I will get the chance to have another baby.

Look at that face!  I have a lot to be grateful for.